


Five Little Monkeys

by Spellina



Series: This Is Not Happening [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Humor, No meta we die like ben, One-Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 07:07:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18868231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spellina/pseuds/Spellina
Summary: The Handler told Five that in the original timeline, the one where he never time-traveled, him getting Vanya pregnant was the trigger for the Apocalypse. Five never had the heart to tell her, but years later, Vanya brought up the Baby Subject on her own:“So, if you’re the best and I’m the best,” speculated Vanya, “then what’s gonna happen if we ever have a child together?”“Well it depends. If he gets my powers and your personality, he’s doomed. That little nut’s gonna time travel before he’s even born."“What if it gets my powers and your personality?”“Well then, we’re doomed,” sighed Five, “that little fucker’s gonna rule the world. One more reason I’m never getting you pregnant."Vanya got off their father’s desk, and Five still didn’t dare to raise his gaze to meet the hurt and confusion in her eyes.“I’m sorry, is there something disgusting about this idea?” she asked, a little offended.





	Five Little Monkeys

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is a partner piece to How to Handle the Handler, but I wrote it as a complete story so you can read it on its own. Hope you like it :)

\- 2007 -

 

_“There was a version of you who never time-traveled," smirked The Handler, "Wanna guess what happens?”_

_“I’m not listening to your lies anymore,” Five muttered, going back to his work._

_“Five, just think,” she insisted, “How do you think I knew about you? I’ve tried, again and again, to convince you to join us. Yet you kept trying, again and again to save your wife and newborn. Well, at some point you gave up on your son, there was no way Number Seven could go through childbirth without causing the Apocalypse. You tried everything and failed. Every single time. You even tried to put her back on her medication, she miscarried and blew up, as always. Countless times, you’ve watched your firstborn die and your heartbroken wife destroy the planet.”_

_“Well, thanks for the advice, I’ll consider adoption,” he replied with his fakest smile._

 

* * *

 

\- 2010 -

 

Five answered her without stopping his writing.

“Of course, you’re mine. I’m the best, I get the best girl. I deserve it, I’ve worked hard for it.”

“I’m the best girl, now? Who crowned me?” Vanya teased back.

“Well I never really checked,” he sighed, “but I’m pretty sure no one matters on this planet more than you.”

“So, if you’re the best and I’m the best,” speculated Vanya, “then what’s gonna happen if we ever have a child together?”

Five had been dreading this conversation ever since The Handler had told him and it was way too soon for him to handle it. He was not ready to tell Vanya she could never bear a child of her own. His grip tightened around his pen to the point it was about to break. He took a deep breath and tried a joke.

“Well it depends. If he gets my powers and your personality, he’s doomed. That little nut’s gonna time travel before he’s even born.”

“Are you saying I’m stupid?” she asked with a daring smile that softened Five’s mood.

“Quite the opposite,” he replied on a light tone, “Time travelling is no easy task. I’ve been studying it for a lifetime. I just don’t think said little nut’s gonna survive that fall. Then again, boys will be boys.”

“What makes you so sure it’s gonna be a boy?”

Five’s smile disappeared and he went back to his work. Entertained by his sudden sulk, that she probably mistook for the typical boyish fear of having to ward little creeps off his baby girl, Vanya wondered once more:

“What if it gets my powers and your personality?”

“Well then, _we_ ’re doomed,” sighed Five, “that little fucker’s gonna rule the world. One more reason I’m never getting you pregnant.”

Vanya got off their father’s desk, and Five still didn’t dare to lift his gaze to meet the hurt and confusion in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, is there something disgusting about this idea?” she asked, a little offended.

 _Never let her know_ , he told himself. _Never tell her. Just don’t_.

“No, it’s simply ludicrous,” Five replied, “Look at what happened to Claire.”

“I meant after we stop the Apocalypse, don’t play coy.”

It took a great effort for Five to keep a neutral face when he looked at her and told her:

“Well it can never happen.”

“Why not? You’re very keen on birth control so I’m guessing it can, in fact, happen.”

“Why do you even want a child from me so much?” he asked, out of patience.

“I don’t know, Five, maybe because I’ve wanted your babies since I was a child myself.”

It seriously broke his heart. He wanted nothing more than give her one. Hell, he’d give her seven of those brats if he could. And he’d love every minute of it too.

“Well, I’m never giving you one,” he replied, gritting his teeth, “It’s ridiculous to want a child at your age. You’re practically a baby yourself.”

“Five, I look twenty but I’m thirty-seven. You lived even longer, why don’t you want my child?”

“Because I already gave you one and it caused the _Apocalypse_!” Five finally snapped.

He regretted it instantly. Vanya looked very alarmed and the room started roaring.

“You did? When? Did you time-travel again?”

“I mean in the alternate timeline, the one where I never left. The Handler told me.”

“How do you know for sure? You actually believe the _Handler_?”

He stopped, and thought. No. The Handler had been too precise, too exact in predicting his reactions to the events to be lying. She had worn the evil expression of someone basking in every detail of the ugly truth.

“She didn’t lie. She had... convincing arguments. It’s true, Vanya, I’m sorry. I would love nothing more than to give you a child, but you’ll never get pregnant. Not if I can help it.”

To Five’s great surprise, Vanya accepted it instantly. The room quieted as she lost her confused frown. She actually looked relieved when she sat back on the desk and replied:

“Okay. I can deal with that.”

Five didn’t understand. She didn’t _care_ about it?

“What? That’s it? You’re giving up that quickly?”

“Why, was that a test?” Vanya chided, “Because throwing the Apocalypse at me is crossing a line, Five.”

“No, it’s the truth.”

Five did not understand that woman at all. She went to walk around the office and seemed to take the matter very lightly.

“Then okay,” she said, thinking, “I didn’t know, but I do now. It’ll pass. If it gets too hard I’ll just ask Allison to rumor me. Mm… Maybe I should do that right now, I’m still on shock but it might upset me later.”

That got immediately Five up from his chair.

“Vanya, wait,” he called before she could leave. He didn’t know how else to say it, so he added, “Don’t leave me alone.”

Vanya’s eyes widened out of surprise. She chuckled at his random request.

“Five, I’m coming right back.”

“It’s not what I mean.”

Vanya’s amusement turned into concern. Five looked on edge.

“Five, I’m not _leaving_ you over this,” she reassured.

“That’s not what I mean either,” Five darkly replied, “Please don’t leave me alone in this fucked up situation. It’s bad enough I can’t have yours, I might lose it if you stop wanting mine.”

Vanya eyebrows rose and she gaped a little. She walked to him. She took one of slightly trembling fists and deposed a tender kiss on it.

“Don’t worry, Five, we’ll adopt,” she hummed reassuringly. “We can have as many as we want. How many do you want?”

How that little witch could change people’s mind instantly, Five would never know, but her soothing hum sure helped a lot. Five sighed, out of love and a little desperation, then replied with burning determination in his eyes:

“Seven.”

“Yes?” Vanya answered her number, still cuddling his hand.

“I want seven,” Five clarified with a smirk.

Vanya let go of his hand as if she’d been burned.

“Five, we are not adopting seven kids,” she scolded.

“Why not?” Five dared. “We were seven.”

“Because I’m not giving you the opportunity to make your own little academy and turn into Dad even more. Seriously, it’s starting to creep me out a little.”

Five’s smile only grew wider and he snarked:

“You’re the one who studied us from afar then wrote a book whose sole point was to detail all of our flaws.”

“Yeah, maybe you should read it again, because Dad’s not the good guy in that story. We are not getting seven children,” Vanya stated firmly, then pondered, “Well, maybe, I don’t know... five?”

“Sure,” Five replied with a grin, “maybe seven, then.”

“No, _five_ ,” she corrected.

“But you just said maybe,” Five frowned.

“Maybe _five_ , Five. _Five_.”

She was pointedly showing him an open palm with five fingers. It was just too tempting.

“Yes?” he answered to his name, the very picture of innocence itself.

Vanya was about to snap, when she suddenly realized he was teasing her. She squinted her eyes at him until she got what he wanted her to say and sighed.

“I’ll have five of your mischievous adopted children, Five. Happy?”

Five had very rarely felt this pleased in his life, so yes, he was. He grabbed Vanya by the waist.

“Very,” he replied as he kissed her, “but I want Seven first.”

Five couldn’t wait to have those noisy brats screaming and running around the house, whatever number of them, as long as the racket of it reminded him that he was very much not alone in the world, anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

_Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,_  
_One fell down and bumped his head,_  
_Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,_  
_"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"_

_Four little monkeys jumping on the bed,_  
_One fell down and bumped his head,_  
_Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,_  
_"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"_

_Three little monkeys jumping on the bed,_  
_One fell down and bumped his head,_  
_Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,_  
_"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"_

_Two little monkeys jumping on the bed,_  
_One fell down and bumped his head,_  
_Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,_  
_"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"_

_One little monkey jumping on the bed,_  
_He fell down and bumped his head,_  
_Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,_  
_"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"_

_No little monkeys jumping on the bed,_  
_None fell down and bumped their head,_  
_Papa called the doctor and the doctor said,_  
_"Put those monkeys right to bed!"_

 


End file.
